Why is my autistic child better behaved at school than home?
80Why is my child's behaviour worse at home?
I remember some time ago when I was working as Teaching Assistant in a mainstream School. There was a young boy who was diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder but already had two failed Statements of Special Educational Needs. I was very shocked to hear about his behaviour at home and having seen for myself how he would have outbursts when his parents collected him, I did often wonder how they coped with him at school. That was until I worked in his classroom.
The first thing I noticed was how well behaved he was. There was the odd occasion where he would hit out at another child but it was rare and never to the point of physically harming another child, just a general push and shove that was easily managed and controlled by any member of staff. He was not only well behaved but very bright and overall quite sociable for a child with an ASD diagnosis. I was impressed. In fact my original fear at having a lot of involvement with a child I believed would be hard to manage, completely dissolved. The biggest challenge however was convincing the parents!
As a parent, there is nothing worse than hearing your child has no problems at school when you know at home they can be a complete nightmare! When I worked with the child above, I didn't have the same behavioural issues with my own children at the time so, like all the other members of staff, we would watch how chaos erupted when the parents would collect the child and agreed the problem must be at home, not at school! How I regret saying that now! Unfortunately it was easy to believe that school must be doing everything OK whereas at home they have such little structure they obviously can't cope. I now admit I was very probably wrong. You see, I am now that parent of a young child who can display terrible behaviour at home but at Nursery is as 'good as gold'! The sad thing is, I see them looking at me the same way I did at the child's parents I used to wave goodbye to each day. I get the same sympathetic (or pathetic whichever way you want to look at it), stares as they can see me struggle when I walk him to the car. But I now know that this is not my fault. It is nothing I am doing wrong at home, I certainly don't live in chaos! I have quite a good routine and lots of experience. Probably more experience than the lot of the Nursery staff put together so why is my child behaving this way when during Nursery time he is able to behave in an appropriate manner?
Well Firstly I have discovered it is very common for children on the spectrum to do this. Yes, there is the chance that there is more structure at school which of course will benefit the ASD child but another theory is that children may actually find everyday school life quite stressful and it all comes out in their own familiar surroundings at home. It may be more comfortable for them to take it all out on us parents or siblings and however frustrating that is, that's ASD for you!
Of course this does not apply to all children diagnosed Autistic. Some children will need a statutory assessment regardless of what is going on at home. But if your child has been refused a statement and the school agrees they can cope without one, just remember their behaviour at home is likely to differ from that at school....through absolutely no fault of your own!
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Yes unfortunately it does happen. I have just completed an 8-week course for parents with children on the Autistic Spectrum and I wish it was also open to Teaching staff!
Wow i have just read this post and comments and feel so much better, my son is 6 and diagnosed with ASD high fuctioning and at the moment i am so confused because he is completely different at home to school. At school he has full time support and shows no signs of challenging or obsessive behaviour yet at home its a completely different story. He has several obsessions and is very agressive both physical and verbal towards me, demanding and challenging. The only thing his school teacher says he lacks motivation to learn which i disagree with because if you get him talking about something he loves eg cars he loves it and wants to learn, apart from the odd ASD trait now and then would wouldnt think there was a problem. Although he copes well in school all day when he gets home he is like a ticking time bomb you never know when he is going to explode and for how long his outburst will last He is very slow and laid back with everything he does and has no concept of time but i feel school just feel he is lazy!!! They havent said to me in school that they dont believe me that there is a problem at home with his challenging behaviour but i just get that feeling that they think i make it all up or its bad parenting. I find it very frustrating that he does act so different in the two places but have read alot of peoples comments that are in the same situation. It just makes you doubt everything though when its only happening at home!!
I am the mother of 3 boys- 1 19 attending West Virginia University, 1 almost 10 w/ Asperger's, ADHD, Anxiety & Depression and my youngest is 6 with all the same as his brother plus a mood disorder and Tourette Syndrome. My 10 YO was a complete nightmare in school to the point where teachers wanted to give 2 week notices! I've heard parents call him an animal, crazy, etc. Looked at as a bad parent, he was constantly in trouble, even suspended from Daycare at 3! Originally diagnosed w/ Sensory Intergration at 4, by 6 the Principal literally did not want him there anymore and had him tested by a nuerologist & special school. By 6, his suffering was so bad he told me he wanted to die. We tried meds(which I was totally against before this) and it was like a miracle happened! With the right school, therapists, meds & KNOWLEDGE of my child's rights no one believes the stories I tell them! I started seeing the same traits in his brother around 3. Now I knew what needed to be done and had him tested extensively right away by the best doctors I could find. Next step-testing by the school which again did the wrong testing and completely disagreed with the entire team of doctors!Resulting in him missing Pre-K due to their refusal to help. He was just prescribed medicine by the last of the testing docs (after over 3 years!)and I am now starting the process for another IEP. (I had to have ALL testing done over again to prove once again that the school was wrong. However, he is now in Kindergarden and he's an angel! Complete opposite at home! The mental torment that we go through as parents changes us for life and we will never be the same but it pales in comparison to what our children have to go through everyday. Uneducated people calling them disrepectful, animals, bad, disruptive, punishments in school when half the time the child doesn't even comprehend what they did wrong. It destroyed my childrens self esteem, self worth. Feeling everything they do is wrong, not good enough.Causing anxiety and depression. The most important thing we can do as parents is learn about YOUR childs disability-because every single one is different and YOU have to become your child's voice and unfortuneatly it will be YOU teaching the teachers-even the ones that "Know all about Aspergers and Autism". God Bless you all. You are exceptional parents with huge hearts. Good luck to you all!
This is so true, thanks for the hub! My daughter has always generally been "good as gold" in school and preschool and when she gets home she lets it all out. Of course, this does seem to get a bit better with practice and I go through some things with her that help her calm down when she's upset - like taking calming deep breaths. Also, with our children, we have a history where perhaps we did not realize an inappropriate behavior was developing - and thus not reacted appropriately the first few times - which as we know now, can start a behavior that may be hard to break.
Its still hard to watch the teachers look at you as though you're doing something wrong - but simply smile and know that you're doing your best, you know your child better than they do and everyone needs to relax and let go sometime. :) Keep calm, and carry on!
You don't know how relieved I am to read this. My son was diagnosed with HFA a year ago, he is now 6 and about to finish kindergarten. He is extremely bright and well-behaved at school, and sociable. He was in his first school play, said his line beautifully, and stood in front of a large crowd with no issues. We are fortunate to have had a good advocate during the time of his diagnosis and he is receiving speech and OT services at the school, but every day and at every review, the teachers and even the special ed aids are telling me "but he's so normal" and "well he doesn't do that here with us". They give those looks and tell me how I need to be more this or that with him. I do admit that he is like a whole different kid at school and it's hard to catch the ASD when observing him in the classroom, but I believe the teachers only have a one-size-fits all impression of what a person with autism should look and act like. They always say "but he's so smart", as if someone with autism can't be. Or they compare him to the autistic kid they may have had in their class last year. It's frustrating and I feel put down for my parenting most of the time. At home, out in public, and at gatherings, my son is very anti-social. He's 'in' the crowd, so he appears to be social and interacting with other kids at a birthday party, but if you watch closely, he's mouthing off, bossy, throwing toys and possessive. We were at a large Easter picnic and while most of the boys and girls were playing a game (t-ball), my son is alone rolling on the grass, picking the grass in large bunches, and throwing it at the other kids. He insists the kids do what he wants, yet he doesn't really know what it is he wants to do. He screams out for no reason, scrunches up his face and rolls his eyes at my husband and I and runs. Some weeks are better at home than others, but the end of the school day and mornings are always a struggle. He can't get himself dressed, he whines he is too cold or too hot (sensory), he screams if we turn off the lights. He has stimming episodes at home, at restaurants, or at the store, yet never at school. The teacher did finally confess to me that he yelps out from time to time during transition, or he pulls his jacket over his head and complains about being too cold/hot, but I almost always get a "all kids do strange things sometimes" remark. Even with an ASD diagnosis, I feel that I have to constantly prove that I'm not making this up. The school psych told me once that kids with autism would do "these things you describe" all the time, not just at home, but my advocate and I strongly disagree. Just like someone else wrote here, my advocate (who also has a son on the spectrum) said that ASD kids, especially kids with HFA do well with the structure and academics at school, and then let it out when they get home. She says that due to all the early intervention and "GOOD parenting", my son has learned to cope at school, but the ASD comes out more at home where he's comfortable, or at the times he's more tired (ie; mornings and night time). We were denied services through our local regional center, even with a diagnosis of autism. The diagnosis comes from the most highly qualified neuropsych in the area, yet because the regional center disagrees, we had to go through the lengthy process of having my son re-assessed by their staff (not as qualified). Only to find out that they built their "non eligible" case solely on opinions of a. my son's school teacher b. a couple hours of watching him at home, alone with no distractions, and c. not taking into account any of his history (no words until 3 years old). Their report jabbed at my parenting style, my family's mental history, and claimed that he only "may have" tourettes and OCD. I have doubt myself and my parenting constantly because of others judgements and opinions about my son. So much, that I actually looked into therapy today. Let alone the negative effect all of this has had on my marriage. I love my son for who he is, so I know that it shouldn't matter what others believe. My husband and I believe in our hearts that our child has autism, so we are doing everything in our power to get the help he deserves.
Thank you, thank you. I thought I was crazy, school said it was my parenting, my son spent two weeks inpatient and resident said it was power struggle , nothing wrong with him but he is a terror at home - hitting pinching screaming, I hear same comments. He can't be autistic Or else it would always happe. Does anyone know a good dr in Colorado. I am so relieved to know it is not me
Sadly, even good hearted people (whether they be teaching staff or other) can be unfairly judgemental regarding the lives and behaviour of others.
Children have their own unique reasons for behaving calmly in one environment and feeling challenged in another.
When one is availed of a global perspective of the family/child/school scenarios, a clearer picture of the dynamics of this childs life perspective is achieved.
I always say that personal experience is the best teacher.
What you have described in this hub is a classic example of a good hearted person, who now through personal experience can have an appreciation of the challenges (and joys of course) of being a parent of a child on the Spectrum (or any other child for that matter).
Each family, child and their cicumstances are unique to that individual/family.
The parenting experience of many people can be more similar to the next person, though, than many people realize.
This is an excellent hub - thumbs up and 'useful' from me.
Cheers, Louise ;)
I have sat here and read these comments and cried. My son is 6 years old. My pediatrician referred him for evaluation at 18 months of age for language and behavior delays. He began early intervention at 19 months and attended a special needs pre-school. I am a special education teacher and since my litle guy has been about 12 months old, I knew there was something different about his development. He is so smart but at age 2 was only speaking about 4 words. He has always been prone to extreme meltdowns, needed a high amount of structure, and been a very literal, serious kid. When he was 4, I took him out of his private pre-school and enrolled him in the self-contained Pre-K class at my school for children with special needs. I did this in order to faciliate his transititon into Kindergarten. To make a long story short, his preschool teacher ( who is a co-worker of mine) basically made me feel like ther was absolutely nothing wrong with my child and that his behavior was basically a result of my parenting skills. Prior to entering kindergarten, she requested that my son be reevaluated. The team did not assess for anything on the spectrum disorder and he scored very highly cognitively. He started K last year as a student with a speech/language impairment. Kindergarten about did me in. ALthough in class, he struggles only mildly, at home the stress of keeping it together during the school day resulted in massive behavior melt-downs. After many consults with his pediatrican and other professionals, my doctor feels that my son is demonstrating signs of Asperger's syndrome. His preschool teacher laughed at me when I shared this (and how horribly he has been struggling at home) and said he is just a "player" and needs to straighten up. Because of one person's view of my child, I have doubted instincts I have had since my child was 18 months old. Again, I am IN THIS PROFESSION and let teachers and school staff convince me that the behaviors I see in my child are not really indicative of a problem. After reading all of these posts, I just want to say this- I am asking for an evaluation for ASD this year through the school system. The older my son gets, the more problems he is facing. I know from my own students that typically the older children get, the more their Asperger characteristics interfere with their education. Looking back, I wish I had stood up for my child instead of letting one person cloud my judgement. It won't happen again.
wow reading this hs really made me feel alot better , my child is also gret in school and at home different child , she is very aggresive and changes her moods all the time and can smack out at people,as you all well know as you also go through it, my daughter isnt diagnosed yet we are in the middle of assements being done, she had her school one done yesterday and i just felt what is the point she doesnt do it in school and threfor making her case weaker, however she does play up in the doctors office and at the camhs center and at home on the street with family. anyway (i do waffle a bit sorry :/ ) im gladish to hear that it isnt just my child who does this and can now hop that they are willing to overlook the school part of it and focus more on everywhere eles.
just a note - that some children can display less behavioural concerns at school and perhaps let 'fly' when they get home, because in the school environment they can be consciously complying with instructions and expectations because the environment is not necessarily one which they are comfortable in (naturally) and may be quietly, though anxiously just getting through the day.
When, at home afterwards, a release of all that pent up self restraint and compliance can occur.
The home is a familiar environment where there is a sense of freedom to express and release some of that pent up emotional energy, frustration etc.. It is a bit like loosening a very tight waist belt, which has gripped them all day, and relieving the tension.
This is not the case for all children of course.
Each child is unique, as I always say.
Another thing, perhaps, is that the school environment is usually full of 'consequences' for misbehaviour or erring from such expectations, and a sensitive soul usually doesn't want to experience such a focus of attention on them. Some children actively try to avoid such and just get on with quietly functioning (complying) with what is expected of them.
Of course, at home, we parents also have our own 'house rules' and expectations of behaving as a family unit, but the explosions of upset behaviour/feelings after school can sometimes just be that release of pent up stress, frustrations and anxieties as I mention above.
My son is just like the posts and its sad that teachers are not knowledgeable in this day and age about ADHD Autistic Spectrum Disorders ect - give us all strength that as parents we will succeed and over come these people! its just as difficult dealing with these so called teachers as it is dealing with the looks and the talking down as if we are clueless parents when we have it 24/7! and if your child addtionally doesnt sleep then give us more strength to cope with everyday, I try to explain to my son's school they just look at me as if I am making up lies......Its dreadful even more than dealing with extreme challenges from my son - the so called professionals i have to deal with regular make it hard for parents to cope.
I want to say to all professionals that its terrible having to feel we have to justify as a parents - that you see that your child isnt quite right, its not what you expect when you have a child - having to have professionals attend your home to 'watch you' how you perform as a family - its like an invasion of privacy.
But for all this hardship all the appointments we carry on trying to help because he is our son and we love him and want the best for him in life.
for years we have felt under the microscope - its not our fault he struggles but trying to get teachers to understand is another matter - typical teacher attitude is as soul destroying as dealing with our son who struggles daily in many ways. Teachers should listen and try to empathise with parents. Teachers could learn a little kindness in their manner and learn to appreciate what a difficult and important role it is to be a parent of a child with special needs. We need support not judgement as it adds to much daily difficulties that life throws at us. Our Son isnt fully diagnosed Yet - I mean he will be eventually i expect, it can be hard to get others to fully understand or be even interested.
i agree with the posts - keep on the path, youll get there.
thank you so much for writing about the school/home differences.
my 14 year old has severe autism, learning dis and tourettes.!!
people still say to me "thats odd" when i try to explain how bad it often is at home with all his behaviors.even ed psychs have told me it is because i am doing it wrong. believe me i have tried it all. I am at the stage now were I just dont tell people as they find it hard to believe and are quick to judge.
kind regards to you all, you have given me a better feeling inside than the feeling of utter despaire i have been having. :-)
PrettyPanther 2 years ago
I have two autistic boys and I can't tell you how many times school personnel hinted that it was my parenting that was the problem. High-functioning autistic kids "hold it together" while at school. They have to let it out somewhere and home is where they know they will be accepted for who they are.